Monday, November 6, 2017

Life Updates: Chapter Eight - Today.

Today I am feeling emotional. I have been for a few days now and whenever I feel this way, I always wonder what has changed in my routine for me to feel this way.

Sometimes I have really good weeks, and even months! Other weeks and months are not so good. I think I am having another one of those weeks/months.  I am aware of the patterns, though. I know when I don't focus on my external situation so much and I concentrate on my inner realm, I feel better. Over and over I remember that striving to strive within, will only benefit me in all circumstances.

I feel really emotional. I feel negative. I feel weak. I am struggling. Again. 

I think back to my life in the USA and all the many trials that came along with it. It weakened me to the point that I felt humbled. I thought I had life all figured out, you know? I thought that I knew how to handle life and all the things that came my way. But I guess I was wrong.
I think about all the moments I slipped and fell, not wanting to get up. I remember these moments very well. I think about all those times where I really thought I could move forward no more, yet somehow, I found it in me to inch a little further.

Through all these tests, Allah has truly been with me. He could have easily left me to go astray (may Allah always protect me and all of us from that Ameen!) but He continued to guide me. Though reciting al-Fatiha five times a day may not always sink deeper than my tongue, I know that there would be no other place I rather be on than the siratul mustaqeem- hey that kinda rhythms?  Even though there are times I don't feel that Allah has been with me, if I just open my eyes, ears, and heart a little more, it is obvious that Allah is with me.

Constantly, I am fighting.
I struggle to strive.
Some days I just feel so unbelievably irritated, so much so that I just want to crawl into bed and leave the world behind me. Other days I feel like I am on top of the world and I can conquer anything that comes my way. I guess it makes sense since I AM only human.
The struggle is real and it ain't just a #hashtag.

I share this because I want everyone who reads this to know that everything you see on social media whether it be Instagram, Facebook, , Youtube or Snapchat is not always rainbows and sunshine. I find it awfully deceiving for almost every Instagram account to be sharing the happiest moments as if all they know is travelling, shopping, looking into their spouse's eyes all starry eyed and showing their child always laughing and peaceful!

In my last post about being an only child, I didn't just talk about the benefits of being an only child, but I mentioned the importance of being true to oneself. I feel like being on social media  automatically gives us this entitlement to show our lives in a heavily, unhealthy distorted way; the way how others perceive life to be perfect and the way they all make it seem like this dunya IS worth chasing is definitely far from reality. Not only do these individuals fool others, but they are essentially lying to themselves. As soon as something hard hits them or they are faced with adversity, they don't know how to handle life because all they imagined is that life should be all fun and games. "Living the life" is something far from reality and we do not hear enough about "handling life".

Often we are too busy "living life" yet we don't even know how to handle this life! We put all our hopes and expectations into something that is only a mirage. I need to write this post mainly as a reminder to myself. Over and over, I keep having these high expectations of this or that. Over and over I have been humbled by doors closing, sometimes slamming in my face. As soon I realize that I put too much importance and emphasis into the dunya and forgetting my akhirah, Allah sets me straight. I am tested with things that really poke at my patience. I am tested with things that question my tawakkul and I am tested with things that feed my ego. Today, things are blurry and things are grey.

This journey is so difficult and sometimes I wonder what is the point of all this! I know the path I have taken is meant to show me many sides of "me" that I have never seen before. I know that the path to guidance is not an easy one. Under all the darkness of life's lessons, I know there must be light and freedom. I continue to search, I continue to struggle, I continue to feel the burdens heavily on my shoulders weighing me down.
I let out a big *sigh* and keep going...
Today is a new day.

3 comments:

  1. As salaamu alaykum. Ameen to your dua about Allah protecting us from going astray. A LOT of this resonates with me. JazakAllahu khairan for sharing your thoughts. I definitely feel like Islam has helped me to cope with this akhirah better than I did in jahiliyah, since I was a pessimist before Islam. I still struggle though, but alhamdulillah. I try to remind myself everyday of all that Allah has blessed me with (I actually saw a non-Muslim vlogger create a daily journal dedicated to this). However, your statement, "As soon I realize that I put too much importance and emphasis into the dunya and forgetting my akhirah, Allah sets me straight." is exactly how I feel sometimes and then I live my life bracing myself for the next fitnah I will have to face. In one of my darkest times a sister reminded me to think good of Allah, and ever since then I try to remind myself of her words.

    I'm sorry I don't have the words to lift you up. But, I think you're on the right track because you're not looking to external sources to find peace. Alhamdulillah, unlike many of those misguided people on social media you are conscious of knowing that you will only find peace in turning to Allah.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Asalaam alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh. Jazakillah khair for the excellent reminder, masha'Allah. This series of reflections has been very eye opening and is such a good reminder for us all. Barak allahu feeki. It's so important to not get too wrapped up in this dunya life but it is way too easy to do subhana'Allah. We have to focus on attaining the akhirah bi'ithnillah. It's easy to get wrapped up in our day to day lives astaghfurallah, but we have to stop and remember to thank the one who created us and allowed us to wake up in the morning. alhamdulillah! “How wonderful is the situation of the believer, for all his affairs are good. If something good happens to him, he gives thanks for it and that is good for him; if something bad happens to him, he bears it with patience, and that is good for him. This does not apply to anyone but the believer.” (Narrated by Muslim, no. 2999).

    ReplyDelete
  3. Assalaamu alaikum wa rahmatuallahi wa barakaatuhu my sweet sis! BaarakAllahu feeki for this reminder, especially about the mirage of life! I'm going to share that with my daughters in sha Allah. I love the way you expressed yourself so beautifully...and poetically too lol. May Allah ease your trials, purify you through them and always grant you peace and happiness. Ameen.

    ReplyDelete

Assalamualaikum, please be mindful about what you are about to write. Think about it before writing and make sure it is something positive and beneficial, otherwise it will be deleted and ignored. JazakiAllah kheyr ! Sisters ONLY! xo